Let Yourself Stay Alive
This page describes how I survived the worst summer of my life, by avoiding the worst possible life-decision. And it explains that I wrote it to encourage anyone who might need hope, by saying “please don't do it” if you (or someone you know) is considering a permanent “solution” for temporary problems, as I was in my Summer of '61. Please stay alive.
Since then I've never considered suicide. Maybe I was permanently “immunized against it” during that summer with an experience that (by analogy to medical vaccinations) gave me a survivable illness that was temporary, and it produced an increase in my immunity-defenses against suicidal thoughts & actions. Whatever the reason, every new day I'm grateful for the many wonderful opportunities-for-experience that being alive is giving me. Now I look back on my time-of-misery and am thankful for my escape into continuing life. I'm hoping that this sharing will help someone (you or someone you know) to stay alive, to live another day and enjoy the experiences of living.
Currently there are no links to this page, AFAIK, because I haven't decided whether I should make it publicly available: Would reading my story be useful for others? could it have beneficial effects on their thinking & behaviors? could it help them stay alive? Or might it have harmful effects on some readers? The final question is a cause for concern and caution, so before “doing anything with the page” I want to get advice from experts, because...
This seems important, and I'm feeling justifiably humble. I need to ask for help from people who have more knowledge and skill — due to being who they are (with better natural understandings of people, of themselves & others) and how they have developed their natural abilities by gaining experiences (in formal education and in life while interacting with others, and being self-aware) and learning from their experiences (with cognitive-and-emotional processing that has improved their understandings and their abilities to help others) — and asking “can you please help me?”
And eventually (maybe in November?) I'll revise this page. Each part will be improved (a little) and the parts will be reorganized. But the major change will be a generalizing of the “learning how to swim” part of my story. It now is written so it only describes how my simple experiences — of doing something I cared about, by discovering that I could float and then learning how to swim — helped ME when I was 13, was feeling desperately unhappy, discouraged and vulnerable. But to make this experience useful for helping another person, I must find a way to effectively connect MY Past Situation with THEIR Current Situation, so they feel encouraged, so they are motivated to find (or just recognize) experiences that will be meaningful for THEM, that will help them feel the joys of living & learning, will distract them from troublesome thoughts-and-feelings, will give them reasons to continue living
My Story (what happened? and how did I respond?)
During junior high, I was considering a permanent solution for temporary problems. The summer of 1961 was the worst time of my life, due to “community bullying” in small-town Iowa during junior high. My 7th grade was horribly unpleasant with nasty verbal bullying,* and that summer I was vividly imagining how 8th grade might be worse. And I was seriously considering the benefits of death and the apparent relief it offered by letting me escape from the misery I was expecting in 8th grade.
But fortunately (by the merciful grace of God, I think) instead of mostly thinking about “how horrible the next school year would be,” during late summer (when fearful imaginings of 8th grade might have become overpowering) I was distracted by learning how to swim, by finishing (in a pool) a process that had begun (in a lake) with 5 seconds of enlightenment when my theory-about-floating (i.e. believing I couldn't float) failed a simple Reality Check. This process of learning to swim was fun, and satisfying; it helped me live through the summer, with a short-term escape from death. A year later it was followed by a long-term escape from high school in small-town Iowa, when our family moved to California, after “the best big decision” ever made by Dad and Mom, as I often told them later in life. {* But to put things in perspective, the experiences in my misery were much less unpleasant than the experiences that have led others to imagine the benefits of escaping their misery. }
Above is the original short version — of what happened earlier in life, and how I feel about it now — before I wrote this long version:
In junior high, I was considering a permanent solution for temporary problems. I'm telling my story to say “don't do it” for anyone who is feeling this way, hopefully to help you decide – as in the climax of my favorite movie – “I want to live.”
In 1960-62, my short-term challenge was trying to live thru junior high in small-town Iowa, by surviving frequent “community bullying” with many experiences that were extremely unpleasant. { the collective bullying was centered on an observed correlation – I got the highest grades, and my father was school district superintendent – leading to accusations of favoritism, ignoring the logical principle that correlation isn't causation, and the evidence that I also got the highest scores on standardized Iowa Test that were independent of our superintendent. And I didn't need any favors, with academic success continuing after moving away even though I was no longer the son of our teachers' boss. }
During the summer between 7th and 8th, I was thinking “next year the badness of life will be much more than its goodness,” and I didn't want to do 7th again. I seriously thought about ways to end my life, but never made a decision about “how” except that I would not use the .22 rifle my parents had given me for Christmas, because I knew they would feel horribly guilty (even though it wouldn't be justified) if I did this, and they had been – and later continued being – my loving mother & father, so I didn't want to repay them in this un-loving way. But the only truly loving choice was to continue living, because even with a non-rifle ending of my life, it would have taken me out of their lives, and they (along with others) would have thought “what could we have done – what should we have done – to help him decide to stay alive?” and they would have felt guilty about not doing what they were imagining would have made the difference between my life and death. Fortunately for all of us, instead I chose life.
what happened, why and how: What? I did survive, did "live thru junior high" so I'm able to write this now. Why? Overall when all things are considered, I think it was the mercy of God. How? A long-term fix was our family's move from Iowa to Anaheim CA (only a kilometer from Disneyland!) in Summer 1962, letting me recover from the distress of small-town junior high, and (more important because it probably would have been worse) avoid small-town high school. Later I told Dad & Mom “this move was the best big decision you ever made.” I thanked them for this, and the many other good things they did for our family. One short-term factor was learning how to swim with 5 seconds of fast progress (in a lake) followed by continuing slow progress (in a pool) that was a personal satisfaction and was a liberating distraction, freeing my thoughts & feelings from their dread-filled anticipations of a miserable 8th grade.* But the most important short-term factor was me simply avoiding the worst possible life-decision, so later I was able to grow older and wiser, with the perspectives allowed by time. After the summer of '61, I never again felt the urge to end my life.
a healing experience: A decade after our move, in July 1972 during a two-month car trip from Seattle to WI-and-IA and back to Anaheim, I found the leader of “community bullying” and asked what he thought about it. He said “I'm sorry for what I did, it was stupid and mean, and I wouldn't do it again if I could change the past.” I told him how happy I was to hear this. We smiled and shook hands, and experienced a mutual healing that helped us feel better about our experiences in junior high. Although this conversation wasn't necessary — because each of us can independently choose to do what we personally need to do in order to “move on” and avoid being trapped by our negative experiences in life, so we can heal ourselves — the relational connection was useful, mentally and emotionally.
the causes of my misery: In the first paragraph, I blame “community bullying” for my unhappiness. This was partially true, but not totally. Although “what they did” was one reason for what I was feeling, the most important causes were “what I did” in my own responses, because I agree with "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" that urges us (if we want to live effectively) to take personal responsibility. Its foundational Habit 1 is to "Be Proactive about taking responsibility for your life. Proactive people recognize that they are ‘response-able.’ ... They know they can choose their behavior. ... External forces [like community bullying] act as stimuli that we respond to. Between the stimulus and the response is our greatest power; we have the freedom to choose our response." {more}
When I'm thinking back on junior high, I think much of my misery was caused by my responses, by letting the external situation bother me more than was necessary. And my non-responses also were important. Earlier in 1961 during 7th grade, I could have thought carefully about “who to talk with” and “how” and then I could have initiated heart-to-heart conversations, individually in private, with some of my fellow students. If I had done this well, maybe they would have become supportive allies who protected, instead of hostile enemies who persecuted. If in 1961 "the leader" had responded like he did in 1972, it would have made a huge difference in my quality of life. Productive communication is often mutually beneficial, but I didn't try to communicate.
how I learned to swim in 5 seconds
During early-life swimming lessons, my instructor was a teenage girl with enough body fat (even though she didn't “look fat”) to easily float. She told me to float on my back, saying “if you just relax, you will float.” But I was a skinny kid without much body fat, and I felt myself sinking. She didn't do any of the many things that a skillful instructor would have done to help me, so I decided “I can't float, so I can't swim, this isn't fun, I don't want to do it, and I won't.” A few years later during a summer camp, I was in the water telling a friend “I can't float, so I can't swim,” and he said “of course you can float” and to prove it he told me to take a deep breath, then (in chest-deep water) grab my knees and curl up into the shape of a ball. Probably you can guess what happened, in the water and in my thinking. When I did this experience-producing experiment, my observations — when first I sank (as I had predicted), but then unexpectedly (in a failed Reality Check for my self-theory about floating) I bobbed up to the surface — caused a radical change in the way I was thinking about my body's behavior in water, and the possibility of swimming. These 5 seconds produced an essential change in my mental attitude — I knew I could float (and therefore could swim) so trying to swim was no longer futile, it wasn't doomed to failure — and this “predicting I could swim” in my mental imagining was later actualized with “observing myself swimming” in my physical actions. In 5 seconds I had learned how to swim.
My problem with not-swimming had been mental, not physical, and that 5 seconds changed me mentally. Later that summer, first I learned how to tread water, and this was another mental breakthrough because it (not swimming) is the bottom-line skill that's essential, is necessary for surviving in deep water. Later, I learned to thrive in the water by swimming physically (not just mentally) using overarm side-stroke and backstroke, because these let me breathe more easily with my mouth/nose always above water, by contrast with the crawl stroke with its in-water and out-of-water rhythem. A few years later, after my family's move from Iowa to Orange County CA, I was excited to be swimming in the Pacific Ocean, being pummeled by 12-foot waves, feeling like a shirt wildly tossed in a washing machine, without control but without drowning because I could hold my breath for a long time. In this California-situation, although fear was justified (due to a real danger of drowning) I wasn't afraid – well, I was, but resisted it enough to enter the water anyway – by contrast with the earlier Iowa-situations when I was afraid with no justification, because in reality there was no danger.
Was my life saved by an incompetent swimming instructor?
But the unskillful swimming instructors (early in life) did help me (later in life) in a very important way, by helping me avoid the worst possible life-decision, when learning how to swim gave me a pleasant distraction — fun & satisfying, learning how to do something I had thought was impossible — during my summer of suffering, when...
two playlists, old and new: For awhile, in YouTube one of my two favorite playlists included a song that was musically beautiful but with lyrics that made suicide seem beautiful, as if not being alive was a satisfactory solution for the difficult problems of being alive. I didn't want a listener to hear the song and think “suicide would be beautiful, as in the song” so I wrote this page, removed the song from my old playlist, and made a new "staying alive" playlist. The song that inspired all of this has...
powerful expressions of a feeling: You can hear-and-feel the low point of my journey (and the low points for many others) in the first song of the playlist, Cool River. It describes a strong feeling — "cool river wash my tears away, let your blue waves hide me from the day, it's the only way," at least the only way that seems possible in the depths of despair, when "I've waded knee-high in troubles not my own, now that I've got mine, I'm sinking all alone" leads to thinking "I'm gonna kiss this world good-bye, cool river wash my tears away, to the sea, to the sea" — that I felt for awhile, but then (after we moved from small-town Iowa to California) I didn't, and haven't again.
My new playlist begins with "Cool River" and feelings about ending life,* continues with two powerful anti-suicide songs {and later I'll search for others} and, returning to music, "I Gotta Right to Sing The Blues that (like Cool River) is about suicidal thinking, then Cool River (again) and songs about life-affirming thoughts & feelings: an upbeat, musically joyful "Bright Side of the Road" (in a newly discovered version of my favorite car-song when every day I was driving back & forth – sitting beside our dog – to visit my mother during her final months) and "Cook With Honey" ("we always cook with honey, tell me how's your appetite for some sweet love") and "Chelsea Morning" (about the simple joys of life, "the light poured in like butterscotch, and stuck to all my senses, oh won't you stay? We'll put on the day, and we'll talk in present tenses") and "We May Never Pass This Way Again" (with profound ideas about having a purpose for living, and pursuing it by taking advantage of opportunities now, because you will never pass this way again). These “feeling good about life” songs are a musical response to the first two songs in this part of the playlist. They describe my feelings now, when I'm happy to be alive, feeling joyful gratitude, after surviving my Summer of '61.
* Here is the ending of Cool River: "I have tried praying to God and his saints on high, But they don't hear me, I'm gonna kiss this world good bye; cool river wash my tears away, to the sea, to the sea." And an earlier insight — "I've waded knee-high in troubles not my own, Now that I've got mine, I'm sinking all alone" — describing how we usually care less about others than we care about ourselves.
a bottom-line summary: If you ever are feeling very sad {or if it's happening to someone you know} and you're considering a permanent solution for your temporary problems, please don't do it. Instead let yourself continue living, so you {or they} later can say “I'm happy to be alive, am thankful for the possibilities in each new day.”
iou – The rest of this page (in the gray boxater (but probably not until late October) I'll I wrote this page in September 2022 because in YouTube Music one of my two favorite playlists included a song (Cool River) that is beautiful (with its melody and in other ways) but with lyrics that make suicide seem beautiful, as if not being alive might be a satisfactory solution for the difficult problems of being alive. I wanted to describe both playlists in my YouTube Channel (along with videos of my juggling and our joyfully cute dog), but I didn't want a listener to hear the songs and think “suicide would be beautiful,* as in the song” so I removed it and instead wrote this page about it. I also made a new playlist with some songs that that might have a pro-suicide effect on a listener (even if it's unintentional) along with some songs that are explicitly anti-suicide, and ending with songs about the joys of being alive. Currently the only way anyone can hear the suicide-themed playlist is by reading this page, including my paragraph about the songs that links to the playlist. {* But the song is about more than suicide, it also describes the ups-and-downs of life. }
two meanings for Cool River: One afternoon in April 2024, I web-searched for [suicide "cool river" mcgarrigle suicide] and was surprised to find nothing about suicide. What I did find was deep insights from Anea Schöpf who explains how the song "carries a profound meaning that resonates with listeners. The lyrics take us on a metaphorical journey through the ebb and flow of life, exploring themes of love, loss, and the inevitable passage of time," with "harmonious voices painting a vivid picture of a river, symbolizing the unpredictable path we all navigate. The river becomes a powerful metaphor for life’s journey, representing the constant change and shifting emotions we experience. ... The song reflects the universal human experience of navigating the unpredictable currents of existence,... encourages self-reflection and urges listeners to appreciate the beauty in both the calm and turbulent moments." Yes. When I then re-read (and re-heard) the lyrics, I clearly see her perspective, as in my favorite lines, "I've waded knee-high in troubles not my own, now that I've got mine I'm sinking all alone" with a reminder about the difficulties of being fully empathetic and deeply compassionate. As a Christian, I'm reminded of the difficulty in thinking-feeling-living the command of Jesus (the second most important) to "love your neighbor as you love yourself," to love your neighbor in the same ways you love yourself. Our empathy for another person (wading knee-deep) usually is much less than our own self-empathy (sinking all alone) because we tend to feel our own troubles much more intensely. But I think there also is a second meaning. It's consistent with all of the lyrics, and seems extremely clear (almost inescapable?) in the final section: "I have tried praying to God and his saints on high, but they don't hear me, I'm gonna kiss this world good-bye; cool river, wash my tears away, to the sea, to the sea, to the sea, to the sea." A contemplation of suicide does seem to be described in a planning — at least temporarily, even if hopefully it's only a planning that never ends with actualizing — to "kiss this world good-bye," to escape and be carried away by the river "to the sea."
In late 2023 (a year after writing the original page) I began thinking that if I say “learning how to swim was one factor in my survival” this would not be helpful for a suicidal reader who didn't fail-to-swim earlier in life, who thus couldn't be rescued later by learning-to-swim. During the next year I occasionally thought about how the “swimming” part of my own story might be counter-productive for a reader with suicidal thoughts, if they are thinking “Craig had swimming, but I don't.” If they will think this – and it seems possible, even probable – what can I say to encourage them to find their own activities for satisfaction and/or distraction? I'm not sure about the details; e.g. suggestions that seem profound to me (re: finding a purpose for living) or basic (re: simple pleasures of living) might be difficult in the current state of mind of a person who is considering suicide. But a central principle is that helping them cope with their story is much more important than telling them about this detail of my story. And maybe swimming wasn't that "central" in my own story? (I don't remember ever thinking about it in 1961, but it seemed important later, when I was thinking about what happened) / a conclusion later in the year: Because this is important and I'm uncertain, I should discuss it with experts to help me decide whether to make the page publicly available to others (especially to vulnerable readers) and how to revise it to improve it.
hurt people hurt people:* For example, many “mass shooters” were victims of bullying, and multi-killing is how they chose to fight back. This is a terrible response from the victim of bullying, who tries to cope with their hurt by hurting others, behaving in a way that's very destructive. / * Yes, this phrase is creatively clever, by using "hurt" as adjective and verb. And even though it's often an accurate description, it shouldn't be accepted as a legitimate reason for bad behavior. The Real Truth About “Hurt People Hurt People” is that this concept can be "used as a convenient excuse to hide behind when [a person] does a wrong thing, instead of just owning up to [their] bad choices and actions," instead of taking personal responsibility by accepting the reality of Habit 1 (proactively taking responsibility for personal decisions-and-actions, instead of blaming it on others), and then thinking & behaving in ways that are helpful (not hurtful) for self and others. my justifiable humility: In this page I'm sharing my bad short-term experiences in 1961 when I seriously considered suicide, and my good long-term experiences since then, and now. But I don't have much knowledge about helping people who are suicidal — if you {or they} are feeling more "Cool River" than “feeling good about life” — and I have no special skills with helping a person who is considering suicide. In this area of life, I have justifiable humility. And doing this kind of helping is not one of my main purposes in life. Instead, in this area my main contribution has been writing this page and making a playlist. But for many other people, "this kind of helping" actually is one of their purposes in life, and they have developed skills in helping. Here are some web-resources that seem to offer useful ideas (but I'll check with experts) for helping: a Strength-Based Approach: This resonates with me (and probably some others, but not all) so I'll learn more about it, to check the evaluations of experts in the field and be guided by them. { in addition to this page by Flanagan & Flanagan, I'll find a couple of other "strength" pages I like. } {and some videos} a difficulty with POV: In my story I explain how “not learning to swim earlier” let me “learn how to swim later” during my horrible summer, and this helped me survive, but... most people won't have anything like this to help them. But they can search for their own ways to get satisfaction and distraction, as in finding-and-pursuing a purpose, or just enjoying the simple pleasures of living; each of these responses (by finding purpose, enjoying life) is illustrated by songs that end my old playlist and are in the new playlist. {this difficulty is described earlier (especially in the paragraph with green font) where I conclude that "I should discuss it with experts before making the page publicly available to others, especially to vulnerable readers. Or maybe I'll never release it publicly. Or I'll write it without the “learning to swim” part of my own experience, instead will just say “I felt this way then, but am happy to be alive now,”but then a central part of my story – that is interesting for me, and maybe (or maybe not?) for others – would be gone." it's ok to be not-ok, but it's not ok to stay not-ok: This is the message of a brief 3:19 video by Ali Mattu (of Columbia Psychiatry) that emphasizes the importance of courageous talking – by people who need help, and also by those who can offer support – instead of staying silent. He says "suicidal thoughts are a normal reaction to an abnormal set of circumstances" that produces "a high degree of stress, mental suffering, a high level of hoplessness and despair" but... during this suffering "the important thing to remember is, experiencing suicidal thoughts is temporary" so "the danger is making a permanent decision about your life when you're in this temporary state of pain" and, describing a helpful response, "asking someone about suicide does not make them suicidal," instead doing this "just makes it easier for them to talk about any pain they might be experiencing" so "if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, get connected with support" – even though doing this is difficult – because "it takes courage to get help when you're experiencing suicidal thoughts, but by having these conversations we can help people get the support they need before they make a permanent decision about their future," and doing this is worth the effort it requires, because "suicide is preventable if we have the courage to break the silence that surrounds it."
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