Almost every expert in the ways people think (individually and in relationships) agrees that forgiving is wise for everyone, that it helps the one who is forgiven and (much more) the one who is forgiving. As explained by Lewis Smedes, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Being a "prisoner" accurately describes the results of not-forgiving, which mainly hurts the person who insists on holding onto the past. Unless you have a time machine, you cannot change the past. As in the Serenity Prayer, we should try to change the things we can change, accept those we cannot, and be wise enough to know the difference.
"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." (Norman Cousins)
other quotes - poison, unbroken
benefits of ackn/tell/apologize -- function of acknowl, confess, apologize, i'm sorry was wrong, i wish i hadn't done and wouldn't do again
The Power of Apology (by Beverly Engel) excerpt-article in Psychology Today (re: it, MichiganStateU, Jodi Schulz) - verywellmind.com -
similarities with restorative justice
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition is an overview about avoiding misconceptions, and how to forgive, and more. The first section explains "what forgiving is and is not" to reduce misconceptions and let a person see that reasons for not-forgiving* can be overcome by choosing to forgive. The second part explains "Why...", and scientists agree that forgiveness is beneficial for the forgiver and for others. The third part ("How...") is more complex; I think the experts would agree that each forgiver (and each situation) is different, but there are useful general principles and guidelines, although improvisational “variations on these basic themes” are expected.
* For example, forgiving doesn't require forgetting, not-feeling, or saying "what happened was OK." It's a choice you make. You can decide to forgive and be more free, if that is what you want.
I.O.U. - There will be more links here later to pages (by a wider variety of authors) that summarize principles discovered by scientific research. Currently, the rest of the links below are...
related to the work of Robert Enright, from the University of Wisconsin, who has been a pioneer in scientific research about forgiveness. He studied why it's useful for people to forgive, why it can be very difficult, what it isn't (this is important, to minimize misconceptions & misunderstandings), and practical principles for how to do it, for what to do and how, plus what to not do. (For example, he explains why it's usually not wise to tell someone "I'm forgiving you", instead... well, there are better ways.)
http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/ has lots to explore, and here is one Quote of the Day: Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.
http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/need-to-forgive/
http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/data/uploaded/files/EnrightForgivenessProcessModel.pdf - How to Forgive
http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/blog/must-the-other-apologize-prior-to-my-forgiving/ answers the question in a simple way, and also has insightful responses below the main article, which was written by Bob Enright of UW-Madison. It also links to an earlier page that is more detailed, so it requires careful reading, but its distinction between justice and mercy is useful for understanding what forgiving "is and isn't." (again, the responses are interesting)
books: http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Choice-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B003ZUXZ5E#postPS - http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008HRMFTW
http://www.internationalforgiveness.com/what-is-forgiveness/why-forgive/ includes this quotation: He [a forgiver in a true story] explained why they chose love instead of hate. "It wasn't about denying what we felt." ... [in their tough situation] Could we make another choice? We did. We chose to answer with love, instead of hatred. ..... Is there a secret to forgiving the unforgivable? "It's all about who we choose to be in response to violence," Cannon believes. "If we retaliate with anger and vengeance then we've let another person control how we act and feel."
The best-selling book Unbroken tells the story of - The self-healing power of forgiving of Louis Zamperini – a world-class distance runner who was captured after a plane crash in the Pacific during WW2 – is told by Laura Hillenbrand in her excellent best-selling book Unbroken. After his captivity by Japanese in World War 2, Louis Zamperini hated one of his captors (who had been exceptionally cruel) and Louis either couldn't forgive, or wouldn't forgive. He was broken. Laura tells the story of how Louis became Unbroken, becoming freed from the harmful effects of unforgiving that "broke" himself and (because hurt people hurt people) harmed others. You can hear the essential part of his "becoming unbroken" in mp3 files from an audio version of Unbroken, edited by me into 10 minutes and (with the entire "10 minutes" plus interesting details added) 15 minutes. Wikipedia -